What if the traditional carol about what one should get their true love for each of the 12 days of Christmas was based solely in Yakima?

It may go something like this:
"On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, graffiti in the alley.
On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the third day of Christmas my first ex gave to me, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the fourth day of Christmas my side chick gave to me, four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the fifth day of Christmas my probie gave to me, FIVE D-U-I's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the sixth day of Christmas my stepson gave to me, six pitbulls fighting, FIVE DUI's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the seventh day of Christmas, city council gave to me, seven hipsters vaping, six pitbulls fighting, FIVE DUI's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the eighth day of Christmas my real dad gave to me, eight meth-heads cooking, seven hipsters vaping, six pitbulls fighting, FIVE DUI's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the ninth day of Christmas Y.P.D. gave to me, nine beggars begging, eight meth-heads cooking, seven hipsters vaping, six pitbulls fighting, FIVE DUI's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the tenth day of Christmas my tattooist gave to me, 10 baristas stripping, nine beggars begging, eight meth-heads cooking, seven hipsters vaping, six pitbulls fighting, FIVE DUI's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the eleventh day of Christmas D.S.H.S. gave to me, 11 brewers hopping
10 baristas stripping, nine beggars begging, eight meth-heads cooking, seven hipsters vaping, six pitbulls fighting, FIVE DUI's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley.
On the twelfth day of Christmas Immigration gave to me 12 EBT cards, 11 brewers hopping,  10 baristas stripping, nine beggars begging, eight meth-heads cooking, seven hipsters vaping, six pitbulls fighting, FIVE DUI's!
Four calling girls, three days in jail, two STDs and graffiti in the alley!"